I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
