so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
