Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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