once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
