I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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