ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
