My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
