I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
