I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
