i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
