So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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