What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
