I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
