I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
