...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
