I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
