im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize