...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
