my phone needs a breathalizer
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
