my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
