I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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