I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
