When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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