you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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