we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
