In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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