I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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