What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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