I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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