I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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