two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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