Just cropdusted the office
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
