My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
