we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
