An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
