when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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