I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
