when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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