Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
