I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
