u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
