Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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