She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize