I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
