I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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