I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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