and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
