OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
