no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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