Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
