Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
