I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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