im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
