Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found the puke drawer
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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