New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
